Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Is perfect even possible?

So today was a pretty good day I think. I'm still on strike against all lists, and love it. I will have to admit though, it's a constant struggle within myself to NOT make a list. But as soon as I can dismiss the craving, I'm great. I feel like I should create a 10 step program... or maybe the LA club, you know, instead of the AA club. I guess it really isn't 10 steps, but who knows. I'm only 3 days into this. There are so many things I'm getting done that I wouldn't normally do, since they wouldn't rank as top priority. Top of the list is always the same cleaning that never stays caught up. But now I'm doing these other little things I want to do, and still managing to slowly catch up the other stuff. Plus for some strange reason I'm able to fit in more down time with the kids. I guess I've always had issues with authority, someone telling me what to do. I suppose the list was that authority, because now that it's gone and I don't have to do anything, I actually am enjoying getting things done that normally would not please me in the least. I'm doing it because I want to, and no other reason. Oh, but when I put it that way, this whole things starts to sound rather selfish. This isn't driven for selfish reasons is it?? Hmmm. Maybe this is revealing some things about me I'd rather not reveal. Maybe I should go back to list making!

So I've been doing a lot of interior design reading, just for fun since that's one of my passions, and it's really got me doubting myself. I don't see that I have that extreme artistic flair that most of the really known designers have. I love so much of what they do (whether or not I would put it in my own home is another thing) but would never have even thought of it. I know that's why they get paid the top dollar, and I don't get paid anything. I guess I just always have this fear of failure. I hate to try something and fail. I don't take rejection well at all. I am someone that if I am not pretty positive I can do it, then I won't. It's really sad and pathetic I know. But I don't know how to change it really. The only thing I suppose, is to force myself to try things even though I may not succeed. And when I happen to fail (which for me is if it didn't turn out perfect) then I have to be okay with that. There may be the hardest thing for me. Overcoming perfection. Unfortunately it runs in the family. My Papa's saying was "perfect is good enough". He was a true artist and he actually lived up to his saying. He wouldn't do anything, or say anything was complete until it was perfect. Hard to live life that way, but somehow he did and managed to be very happy. I think he expressed all the frustration in his art. His art seems to be rather dark and depressing. At least that's what I think. So anyway, all this said and done, I suppose I should remove myself from this chair and go figure out what it is that I want to next!

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