Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Dad's arms

Today I wanted to go driving. No where in particular, just to drive. Okay. Well I did have something in mind, but not somplace. I wanted to go where there was almost nothing but nature. The fall trees. The crisp fall air. And of course my kids have to fit into the dream too, if I want it to be at all tangible. So I loaded up the kids, talked my hubby into taking a half day at work (I know... but don't stop breathing!) and I just took off. When my husband asked where we were going I told him I didn't know, I just wanted to drive. He looked at me like he was in disbelief, then the horrible realization came to him that he was possibly in for a lot more than he bargained. We headed up north, into the bottom of the Appliation trail. It was beautiful. We just drove. We drove for about and hour and a half. Then it was time to let the kids run before we drove home. We found a cute little stream with a bridge and an open grassy field for the kids. They couldn't have been happier, and the stream made them completely forget about the cold. They would have stayed all day.

The leaves were all changing, some trees already bare. The air was a little cripser then I was prepared for, but was wonderful none the less. In a weird way, the cold air and fallen leaves transitioned me into this next season. It's been warm for way too long, and there aren't enough leaves changing around my home yet. So this helped me along. I now feel I am ready for the Holidays to start. For that feeling to take over the air, causing us all to feel whatever it is that we feel this time of year.

On the drive back home, my husband drove this time, which was perfect. I was this time able to just sit and watch the scenery unfold in front of me. I felt like I could cry. I don't know if it was because of how beautiful it all was or if it was because this type of thing reminds me of my dad.

Every time I am out enjoying the scenery I feel some connection to my dad. He loved to look at the scenery. I can't tell you how many times he would tell us to just look out the window on our family road trips. He didn't think we should need any more entertainment than that. And I LOVED to go four-wheeling in my dad's Landcruiser. Top off, sun beating down, tires splashing through the rivers, making our own roads, my mom terrified he's too close to the cliffs, and not getting back until dusk. I love it. I have always wanted to live someplace where I can carry this on with my kids. I don't think I'd be as daring as my dad is in his vehicle, but I could still provide some good fun, atleast I'd like to imagine.

So back to my drive. I began to wonder. Maybe, just maybe I needed this drive because I needed my dad. Not really needed my dad, as a little girl needs her dad, but I needed to feel my dad there. We had a rough couple of nights with some big decisions, and I was feeling unsettled at the time. I didn't feel comfortable with things that day, and when you think of your dad, isn't it just one of the most comfortable feelings? You just think back to being that little girl, with her dads arms wrapped around her in a hug, where nothing can hurt you, and he can save you from anything. Well maybe, just maybe, at that point... I needed that comfort. But I wasn't that little girl anymore, and somehow deep inside I knew that. So I did what I could. I took a drive. It never felt so much like home.

I came home feeling like I had just been home.