What??

So I think I'm getting old. I went to the mall today to buy some pants. Yes, I already have about 20 pairs if pants, but not really. There are probably 5 in there that don't fit me anymore, thanks to larger hips. There are atleast 3 in there which we worn while pregnant and are easily 4 sizes too big, and the belt to hold them up is starting to get obvious. I then have atleast another 4 pairs that are so out of style I just can't bring myself to wear them. There are 3 dress pants, which you should know I never get the chance to wear.... ever! 1 pair in which I love and have had for years. The knees are completely worn through, and the holes are starting to get a little too big to pull off as trendy. I have 3 other pairs which also have holes in the knees, but I don't love them enough to hold on to forever. And that would leave me with I pair of pants left. The ones that I wear every day I want to look half decent, and I don't know how much longer the knees will hold up in those! Count them, that's really 20! So back to the point, today I went to the mall to get some pants, tried on 3 pairs, bought three pairs (because I couldn't decide with a stroller in the chaning room with me, and two kids crawling in and out of the changing room via under the door). It just wasn't working for me, but I was determined to get some pants. So I bought 3 pairs and decided to decide at home. You know what this means though. Another trip to the mall for the returns. Ugh. And after this 45 minute excursion (yes, I am fairly efficient when I am forced to be. That is 45 minutes from parking to pulling back out) I was exahusted. It was physically and mentally exauhsting. Yikes! I thought I like to shop. I always like to shop. Especially when I'm going with the intent to buy. So after I get back and decide I want it to be a good long while before I shop again my husband asks me if I want to go to the Prom with him. What?? That's right. The prom at his school. I laughed at him because I thought he was joking. He wasn't. I felt really bad. So, I'm going to have to go shopping again, but this time for something a lot less fun. Sigh.

Is perfect even possible?

So today was a pretty good day I think. I'm still on strike against all lists, and love it. I will have to admit though, it's a constant struggle within myself to NOT make a list. But as soon as I can dismiss the craving, I'm great. I feel like I should create a 10 step program... or maybe the LA club, you know, instead of the AA club. I guess it really isn't 10 steps, but who knows. I'm only 3 days into this. There are so many things I'm getting done that I wouldn't normally do, since they wouldn't rank as top priority. Top of the list is always the same cleaning that never stays caught up. But now I'm doing these other little things I want to do, and still managing to slowly catch up the other stuff. Plus for some strange reason I'm able to fit in more down time with the kids. I guess I've always had issues with authority, someone telling me what to do. I suppose the list was that authority, because now that it's gone and I don't have to do anything, I actually am enjoying getting things done that normally would not please me in the least. I'm doing it because I want to, and no other reason. Oh, but when I put it that way, this whole things starts to sound rather selfish. This isn't driven for selfish reasons is it?? Hmmm. Maybe this is revealing some things about me I'd rather not reveal. Maybe I should go back to list making!

So I've been doing a lot of interior design reading, just for fun since that's one of my passions, and it's really got me doubting myself. I don't see that I have that extreme artistic flair that most of the really known designers have. I love so much of what they do (whether or not I would put it in my own home is another thing) but would never have even thought of it. I know that's why they get paid the top dollar, and I don't get paid anything. I guess I just always have this fear of failure. I hate to try something and fail. I don't take rejection well at all. I am someone that if I am not pretty positive I can do it, then I won't. It's really sad and pathetic I know. But I don't know how to change it really. The only thing I suppose, is to force myself to try things even though I may not succeed. And when I happen to fail (which for me is if it didn't turn out perfect) then I have to be okay with that. There may be the hardest thing for me. Overcoming perfection. Unfortunately it runs in the family. My Papa's saying was "perfect is good enough". He was a true artist and he actually lived up to his saying. He wouldn't do anything, or say anything was complete until it was perfect. Hard to live life that way, but somehow he did and managed to be very happy. I think he expressed all the frustration in his art. His art seems to be rather dark and depressing. At least that's what I think. So anyway, all this said and done, I suppose I should remove myself from this chair and go figure out what it is that I want to next!

It's worth it!

Today started out just like every other day, my husband gone to school while I was at home with the three kids. Trying to wake up from our late night out, and still manage to make breakfast and get everyone ready for church was on the "to-do" list. Not something that's too hard to do, but something that's hard to do with grace, at least for me. I am not a morning person, to say the least. I really don't enjoy the mornings at all. Unless I am able to get up and sit on the back porch, with a cup of cocoa, listening to the birds... with no one else around; well then, you can keep the mornings. I just don't do them. I don't talk, and I definitely don't enjoy. But after eating a slow breakfast with the kids in the entirely to cluttered of a house I have right now, my brain started to kick in. I started forming my "to-do" list in my head. At one point I went searching on the counter for my notepad where I usually write out such lists. The dishes, sweep up the last three days of dinner under my one-year olds booster seat, clean the bedroom, get my sons homework done, go to church... my mind just kept spitting them out. How many times have I ever completed a list that I write? Never. How many times do the dishes, laundry, and shower (yes if I don't put this on there, then many times I just don't get one) end up on the list? Every time. So I started thinking about this list obsession I have. Why? Most of the things on the list are the same day in and day out. And it doesn't take an Einstein to look around the kitchen to realize, "Oh, the dishes need to be done today". Besides, who's to say the dishes take precedence over the toilet? Why the laundry and not the diaper pail? Then to the question, why do I write any of it down? Today is Sunday. It's supposed to be the day of rest. And I don't mean rest, as in laziness, but rest as in not cleaning your house all day. You have six other days to worry about that. So I didn't. I actually tore up the list and threw it away. The kids took an hour bath; because they wanted to. I took a forty five minute shower; because I wanted to. We had dinner out of a box; because I wanted to have more time with the kids. And what did we do with that time? We sat down and watched a movie they had never seen. We sat there with an entire bowl of popcorn and watched a movie until well past bed time. In fact, we didn't start the movie until bed time. But you know what. I don't care! I'll probably pay for it and be cursing by the time tomorrow afternoon hits full force, but I don't care. I was able to spend time with my kids. They grow up so fast, and everyone always tells you they wish they has spent more time with their kids; that it was gone before they knew it. So why don't we then? I would hate to say that I missed out on all those precious moments because I was too busy washing the dishes, or cleaning the toilet. I know I can't do this everyday, or the state may come in and take the kids away from me **lol** but I can do it just this one day a week. A day that is supposed to be devoted to our Lord and Saviour, in which I can't think of something he would find more appropriate. So maybe tomorrow when I'm tired of listening to under-slept whining kids, I'll be able to read this and remember that there was a reason.... and it was worth it.

Homesick

I've been trying to figure out what is going on with me. I have this odd feeling that I can't shake. Don't get me wrong, I like this feeling. It feels very warm and comfortable, like curling up to someone that you love, but as soon as I get comfortable, I have to shift. I'm not quite in the right position yet, or the blanket keeps slipping off. Trying to figure this feeling out has been driving me crazy. Pregnant (thank goodness NO), forgot to pay a bill (yes, but that didn't resolve the feeling), something wrong (no, i think)..... I just don't know. Then it hits me. I am so longing for fall to start. For the warm days, and cool nights. To wear a light weight sweater and to curl up at night with a cup of hot cider. Fall has my favorite colors in it, which now thinking about it, my house is slowly transforming into these. Orange -the bathroom, Red -the kitchen, Gold- the living room, Brown- hopefully soon the bedroom. As I looked through the catalogs, I became more and more homesick feeling. But I wasn't homesick for home, it was for fall, of all things. I don't know why, it seems most people love fall more than the other seasons. Could it possibly be because it's the precursor to the Holidays, it's finally not sweltering hot out, or could it simply be that I love it because the colors are of my heart. To me, there is nothing more beautiful. I am a beach girl, which would translate into the ocean and the sand. But when I close my eyes and picture the perfect beach photograph, I notice the sand first. Not the water, but the sand. The brown sand. Maybe that's just my love affair with the fall right now, because if I think about it, that's insane. I know I love the water... but my eyes are saying something else right now. Strange. So now that I've come to discover this feeling that's been looming over me and causing a restlessness inside, I am going on a mission. I am going to paint. I am going to continue this transformation of my house into me, and for right now that means fall. So here I go.... I think I'll pain the hall first, which I'm thinking a nice warm yellow. Not a fall yellow, that might scare off anyone who decided to stop in, but a warm welcoming soft yellow. And I think I"m also going to find out how soon the pumpkin patch opens, and make a fall center piece for the table....