Do we have to have Christmas NOW??

Funny thing how christmas can create such a roller coaster for your emotions. An hour ago I was happily waiting for one more week to pass until we head out to be with all our family. Now.... well. I'm not so ready. Here a few reasons I'm thrown off at the moment.

All picture attempts for the Christmas card are really not working out. So I am debating not sending anything out really. There's a big 'ol bahumbug. I can't just let it go and do a regular card this year can I? NO. Note the example above. That would be Ase actuall sitting, but do you think she'll look at the camera unless you are doing a full dance and song? Which I would like to add is impossible when trying to take the picture too. Nutmeg IS "looking at the camera". This would be her. She likes to pose. We work with what we can! Then there's Bug back there. That painful smile is his "camera smile". Has it every time. Usually he atleast looks at the camera for you. No such luck here. And you'd think there was something over there to look at. Again, no. I guess it's just where I wasn't!

Hubbs is going to have to fly us out there, leave for Chicago for 4-5 days, then come back there. He may have to do that twice. Yup. That creates happy feelings. His company is taking such advantage of him, and there is absolutley nothing he can do about it except quit. Trust me, we're working on that.

The other sore spot is again not going to get anything for Christmas from Hubbs. I understand how buys he is, really. And I know it's not about the present. I don't really care what he does, as long as it involves some serious thought. Not a last minute trip to Walmart Christmas eve in desperation. Two years ago he filled my stocking with gum (yes, the kind at the checkout counter) and breath mints. It's a good think I don't assume too much from these gifts, because that really could have created a good fight! Last year I filled my own. This year, I don't want to. So I'll go empty. Actually I bought myself a watch that I really need, since the kids will think that's odd if there's nothing. So there you go. I grew up with a dad that was very practical and didn't like to just spend a lot of money. But when it came time to my mom, he really went for it. I don't remeber the things he got her, I just remember thinking how much it showed that he loved her. It was not how he usually spent, but for this special occassion, he always did. That and her birthday. So I guess I have this childhood memory/feeling in which I would like to recreat, but using myself and Hubb. It's not working so far. If only I could play him the tape in my head, maybe he'd get it.

I was okay with each of these individually, but now that there's three, I don't know anymore. I just want to go sit on the couch and do nothing until one of them disappears. I don't think it will work!

Oh, and in decluttering. The first step is working with M in getting our relationship better and not having all the power struggles and negative emotions we do. I have read up and am now armed for battle! This is going to be my first step and something which is already underway. So far it is better. Once I get back from our trip on start on another area. This time it will actually be a room!

Home

So I've been thinking lately. There are so many things I want to do, or achieve. None of these things are being done effectivley, or well. Alteast from what I'm envisioning to what I'm actually seeing. They are worlds apart. I'm sure most of us have this same problem with things. But it doesn't have to be this way. I don't think. It seems that I am always tired. There doesn't have to be a reason or explanation. I'm just tired. And I'm tired of being tired. I started really thinking, and reading. I want to work on things that aren't making me happy, and work on things that will. I can't be a good wife, mother, or self unless I can do some of these things. Spiritually I'm feeling a littel deprived. I don't remmber the last actual meeting I went to and was able to sit and listen. Or more importantly, feel. There is no such thing with three young kids, and then having the blessing to teach 5 other kids during the adult meetings. No excuse though, I should be making up for this on my own at home, with personal and family study. Well, that brings me to the second problem.

My home. Right now though, I think it's actually more of a house. A place where we are keeping our belongings. I can't have the spirit in my home, when the spirit can't find any of us through all the clutter. I have always believed your home is a reflection of who you are, just on the walls. I'm not talking about what type of house you have, because money and location have a lot to do with that. But you can do whatever you want with the inside. Colored walls or white? Lots of decor or simple? Your style. Clutter, or clean. All of this reflects whats going on internally. You can't be clutter free in your head if you are living in a cluttered house. It's impossible. I have found that if you look around your house, you can easily spot your problem areas in those rooms of your head. The master bedroom is a good example. How is your bedroom? Clean? I dare say mine hardly ever is. And it doesn't matter how clean the rest of my house is, the bedroom is what really makes me feel good (inside), and is the last one to get cleaned. It's really simple to get the house you want. Size has nothing to do with it. Just fit in what you have. Same thing goes physically and mentally. If we can't do it, don't try or it could be pretty damaging. Just look at how obesse everyone is getting. Our houses are bigger, our clutter is bigger, our diets are bigger, our waists are bigger. And all this while the family size is quite a bit smaller. Sad really. We all need to just cut back and find the space we want. So that's what I'm going to work on. In the process I'm sure I'm going to be cleaning out a lot of mental clutter at the same time. I am going to take back control of my house, and in doing so, take back control of me.

What are the things I love to do, and make me happy? What are my passions?

I love interior design. LOVE IT. So why the heck am I living in a house where I can't even look at doing that because I'm way to busy back cleaning to have time to paint a wall.

I love photography. Am I able to focus on it? No. I don't have the time... but only because of poor time managment. And what do I do with all the photos I take. Nothing. I have so much scrapbook stuff I don't know where to start. There is too much. Hmmm. I think I talked about that before. If I enjoy doing it, I need to scrapbook it for the sake of the photos, and not the sake of scrapbooking. If not, I need to quite wasteing all that space in our home, which we could easily use for something else.

I love my family. I need to take a daily break and make sure to play with my kids for even a small amount of time. I want to see them laugh nearly every day. I don't want them to remember me as the grouchy mom who never plays, which is who I'm quickly becoming. I've got way to much weighing me down. Which is why I'm so excited to start decluttering (in every form of the word) and make it so I'm not carrying around all this extra.

I love my husband. I can't be the wife he needs, or I want, if I am not fully available. It seems the hall to the room where I keep our time has gotten a little bogged down with all the stuff spilling over from all the other rooms. Like laundry, money, kids, disagreements, school... everything. Many of which there is room for, if I can get rid of all the unecessary junk which would include, a literaly messy house, bills always piled up, no groceries, disagreements in parenting styles, personal spiritaul progress, laziness, tv watching instead of other stuff. Of course I could keep going, but that's good. The more I can work on, the more stuff I can clear out of the way to make room for the things that have to be there for that time. Just like we have that old couch that we have to keep in the living room, school has to be there right now, and we HAVE to have room for it. That's all there is to it. If we don't want it there, we have to be willing to completely let go of it. In this case, NO WAY!

So there you have my ramblings for right now. What can I say. I feel hopefully optimistic. Something I always used to be, but has faded more and more as the years have gone. Now.... where do I start. I can't do it all at once. You know how it is when you "clean house". It gets worse before it gets better. I don't think it would be a good idea to do that in the house or in my head! Focusing is going to be my biggest challenge. I'm too impatient, and in this, I will have to be. I'll let you know where I start. Maybe you could do it with me. You never know. We might discover more than just greatness along the way!

Dad's arms

Today I wanted to go driving. No where in particular, just to drive. Okay. Well I did have something in mind, but not somplace. I wanted to go where there was almost nothing but nature. The fall trees. The crisp fall air. And of course my kids have to fit into the dream too, if I want it to be at all tangible. So I loaded up the kids, talked my hubby into taking a half day at work (I know... but don't stop breathing!) and I just took off. When my husband asked where we were going I told him I didn't know, I just wanted to drive. He looked at me like he was in disbelief, then the horrible realization came to him that he was possibly in for a lot more than he bargained. We headed up north, into the bottom of the Appliation trail. It was beautiful. We just drove. We drove for about and hour and a half. Then it was time to let the kids run before we drove home. We found a cute little stream with a bridge and an open grassy field for the kids. They couldn't have been happier, and the stream made them completely forget about the cold. They would have stayed all day.

The leaves were all changing, some trees already bare. The air was a little cripser then I was prepared for, but was wonderful none the less. In a weird way, the cold air and fallen leaves transitioned me into this next season. It's been warm for way too long, and there aren't enough leaves changing around my home yet. So this helped me along. I now feel I am ready for the Holidays to start. For that feeling to take over the air, causing us all to feel whatever it is that we feel this time of year.

On the drive back home, my husband drove this time, which was perfect. I was this time able to just sit and watch the scenery unfold in front of me. I felt like I could cry. I don't know if it was because of how beautiful it all was or if it was because this type of thing reminds me of my dad.

Every time I am out enjoying the scenery I feel some connection to my dad. He loved to look at the scenery. I can't tell you how many times he would tell us to just look out the window on our family road trips. He didn't think we should need any more entertainment than that. And I LOVED to go four-wheeling in my dad's Landcruiser. Top off, sun beating down, tires splashing through the rivers, making our own roads, my mom terrified he's too close to the cliffs, and not getting back until dusk. I love it. I have always wanted to live someplace where I can carry this on with my kids. I don't think I'd be as daring as my dad is in his vehicle, but I could still provide some good fun, atleast I'd like to imagine.

So back to my drive. I began to wonder. Maybe, just maybe I needed this drive because I needed my dad. Not really needed my dad, as a little girl needs her dad, but I needed to feel my dad there. We had a rough couple of nights with some big decisions, and I was feeling unsettled at the time. I didn't feel comfortable with things that day, and when you think of your dad, isn't it just one of the most comfortable feelings? You just think back to being that little girl, with her dads arms wrapped around her in a hug, where nothing can hurt you, and he can save you from anything. Well maybe, just maybe, at that point... I needed that comfort. But I wasn't that little girl anymore, and somehow deep inside I knew that. So I did what I could. I took a drive. It never felt so much like home.

I came home feeling like I had just been home.

Silence

" I love you little elephant"

silence.

The Elephants

There once was a mommy elephant who said to her little elephant, "I love you". The little elephant replied, "I love daddy". The mommy again said ever so patiently, "I love you SO much" to which the little elephant replied, "I love daddy SO much".

"But don't you love your mommy?" asked the mommy elephant. "I love her a little" was the reply. The little elephant then expounded with "I love daddy this much" with her little arms stretched out as far as they could reach, "and I love mommy this much" using two fingers on one hand to show the distance.

"Do you really love your daddy more than you love your mommy?" came the next question from the mommy elephant. "Yes" came the innocent and honest answer from the little elephant.

"But why do you love your daddy so much more?" came the next question from the now humbled and somewhat saddened mommy elephant. "Because I just do" was all the little one would say.

As the mommy elephant tucked her little elephant into bed, a tear rolled down her cheek. "What's wrong mommy?" came the concerned voice of her little one. "Nothing sweetie" was all she could say.

What??

So I think I'm getting old. I went to the mall today to buy some pants. Yes, I already have about 20 pairs if pants, but not really. There are probably 5 in there that don't fit me anymore, thanks to larger hips. There are atleast 3 in there which we worn while pregnant and are easily 4 sizes too big, and the belt to hold them up is starting to get obvious. I then have atleast another 4 pairs that are so out of style I just can't bring myself to wear them. There are 3 dress pants, which you should know I never get the chance to wear.... ever! 1 pair in which I love and have had for years. The knees are completely worn through, and the holes are starting to get a little too big to pull off as trendy. I have 3 other pairs which also have holes in the knees, but I don't love them enough to hold on to forever. And that would leave me with I pair of pants left. The ones that I wear every day I want to look half decent, and I don't know how much longer the knees will hold up in those! Count them, that's really 20! So back to the point, today I went to the mall to get some pants, tried on 3 pairs, bought three pairs (because I couldn't decide with a stroller in the chaning room with me, and two kids crawling in and out of the changing room via under the door). It just wasn't working for me, but I was determined to get some pants. So I bought 3 pairs and decided to decide at home. You know what this means though. Another trip to the mall for the returns. Ugh. And after this 45 minute excursion (yes, I am fairly efficient when I am forced to be. That is 45 minutes from parking to pulling back out) I was exahusted. It was physically and mentally exauhsting. Yikes! I thought I like to shop. I always like to shop. Especially when I'm going with the intent to buy. So after I get back and decide I want it to be a good long while before I shop again my husband asks me if I want to go to the Prom with him. What?? That's right. The prom at his school. I laughed at him because I thought he was joking. He wasn't. I felt really bad. So, I'm going to have to go shopping again, but this time for something a lot less fun. Sigh.

Is perfect even possible?

So today was a pretty good day I think. I'm still on strike against all lists, and love it. I will have to admit though, it's a constant struggle within myself to NOT make a list. But as soon as I can dismiss the craving, I'm great. I feel like I should create a 10 step program... or maybe the LA club, you know, instead of the AA club. I guess it really isn't 10 steps, but who knows. I'm only 3 days into this. There are so many things I'm getting done that I wouldn't normally do, since they wouldn't rank as top priority. Top of the list is always the same cleaning that never stays caught up. But now I'm doing these other little things I want to do, and still managing to slowly catch up the other stuff. Plus for some strange reason I'm able to fit in more down time with the kids. I guess I've always had issues with authority, someone telling me what to do. I suppose the list was that authority, because now that it's gone and I don't have to do anything, I actually am enjoying getting things done that normally would not please me in the least. I'm doing it because I want to, and no other reason. Oh, but when I put it that way, this whole things starts to sound rather selfish. This isn't driven for selfish reasons is it?? Hmmm. Maybe this is revealing some things about me I'd rather not reveal. Maybe I should go back to list making!

So I've been doing a lot of interior design reading, just for fun since that's one of my passions, and it's really got me doubting myself. I don't see that I have that extreme artistic flair that most of the really known designers have. I love so much of what they do (whether or not I would put it in my own home is another thing) but would never have even thought of it. I know that's why they get paid the top dollar, and I don't get paid anything. I guess I just always have this fear of failure. I hate to try something and fail. I don't take rejection well at all. I am someone that if I am not pretty positive I can do it, then I won't. It's really sad and pathetic I know. But I don't know how to change it really. The only thing I suppose, is to force myself to try things even though I may not succeed. And when I happen to fail (which for me is if it didn't turn out perfect) then I have to be okay with that. There may be the hardest thing for me. Overcoming perfection. Unfortunately it runs in the family. My Papa's saying was "perfect is good enough". He was a true artist and he actually lived up to his saying. He wouldn't do anything, or say anything was complete until it was perfect. Hard to live life that way, but somehow he did and managed to be very happy. I think he expressed all the frustration in his art. His art seems to be rather dark and depressing. At least that's what I think. So anyway, all this said and done, I suppose I should remove myself from this chair and go figure out what it is that I want to next!

It's worth it!

Today started out just like every other day, my husband gone to school while I was at home with the three kids. Trying to wake up from our late night out, and still manage to make breakfast and get everyone ready for church was on the "to-do" list. Not something that's too hard to do, but something that's hard to do with grace, at least for me. I am not a morning person, to say the least. I really don't enjoy the mornings at all. Unless I am able to get up and sit on the back porch, with a cup of cocoa, listening to the birds... with no one else around; well then, you can keep the mornings. I just don't do them. I don't talk, and I definitely don't enjoy. But after eating a slow breakfast with the kids in the entirely to cluttered of a house I have right now, my brain started to kick in. I started forming my "to-do" list in my head. At one point I went searching on the counter for my notepad where I usually write out such lists. The dishes, sweep up the last three days of dinner under my one-year olds booster seat, clean the bedroom, get my sons homework done, go to church... my mind just kept spitting them out. How many times have I ever completed a list that I write? Never. How many times do the dishes, laundry, and shower (yes if I don't put this on there, then many times I just don't get one) end up on the list? Every time. So I started thinking about this list obsession I have. Why? Most of the things on the list are the same day in and day out. And it doesn't take an Einstein to look around the kitchen to realize, "Oh, the dishes need to be done today". Besides, who's to say the dishes take precedence over the toilet? Why the laundry and not the diaper pail? Then to the question, why do I write any of it down? Today is Sunday. It's supposed to be the day of rest. And I don't mean rest, as in laziness, but rest as in not cleaning your house all day. You have six other days to worry about that. So I didn't. I actually tore up the list and threw it away. The kids took an hour bath; because they wanted to. I took a forty five minute shower; because I wanted to. We had dinner out of a box; because I wanted to have more time with the kids. And what did we do with that time? We sat down and watched a movie they had never seen. We sat there with an entire bowl of popcorn and watched a movie until well past bed time. In fact, we didn't start the movie until bed time. But you know what. I don't care! I'll probably pay for it and be cursing by the time tomorrow afternoon hits full force, but I don't care. I was able to spend time with my kids. They grow up so fast, and everyone always tells you they wish they has spent more time with their kids; that it was gone before they knew it. So why don't we then? I would hate to say that I missed out on all those precious moments because I was too busy washing the dishes, or cleaning the toilet. I know I can't do this everyday, or the state may come in and take the kids away from me **lol** but I can do it just this one day a week. A day that is supposed to be devoted to our Lord and Saviour, in which I can't think of something he would find more appropriate. So maybe tomorrow when I'm tired of listening to under-slept whining kids, I'll be able to read this and remember that there was a reason.... and it was worth it.

Homesick

I've been trying to figure out what is going on with me. I have this odd feeling that I can't shake. Don't get me wrong, I like this feeling. It feels very warm and comfortable, like curling up to someone that you love, but as soon as I get comfortable, I have to shift. I'm not quite in the right position yet, or the blanket keeps slipping off. Trying to figure this feeling out has been driving me crazy. Pregnant (thank goodness NO), forgot to pay a bill (yes, but that didn't resolve the feeling), something wrong (no, i think)..... I just don't know. Then it hits me. I am so longing for fall to start. For the warm days, and cool nights. To wear a light weight sweater and to curl up at night with a cup of hot cider. Fall has my favorite colors in it, which now thinking about it, my house is slowly transforming into these. Orange -the bathroom, Red -the kitchen, Gold- the living room, Brown- hopefully soon the bedroom. As I looked through the catalogs, I became more and more homesick feeling. But I wasn't homesick for home, it was for fall, of all things. I don't know why, it seems most people love fall more than the other seasons. Could it possibly be because it's the precursor to the Holidays, it's finally not sweltering hot out, or could it simply be that I love it because the colors are of my heart. To me, there is nothing more beautiful. I am a beach girl, which would translate into the ocean and the sand. But when I close my eyes and picture the perfect beach photograph, I notice the sand first. Not the water, but the sand. The brown sand. Maybe that's just my love affair with the fall right now, because if I think about it, that's insane. I know I love the water... but my eyes are saying something else right now. Strange. So now that I've come to discover this feeling that's been looming over me and causing a restlessness inside, I am going on a mission. I am going to paint. I am going to continue this transformation of my house into me, and for right now that means fall. So here I go.... I think I'll pain the hall first, which I'm thinking a nice warm yellow. Not a fall yellow, that might scare off anyone who decided to stop in, but a warm welcoming soft yellow. And I think I"m also going to find out how soon the pumpkin patch opens, and make a fall center piece for the table....