To be a kid again

I just love these photos of the kids. They are just so happy! It's not the smile-at-the-camera happy, or the smile-because-something-was-kind-of-funny happy. No, it's real genuine happiness. The kind we tend to forget when we become adults. The kind that is shoved beneath all the social "rules", all the "work", and the "reponsibility". But just think what examples we'd be setting for our kids if we were able to show them this kind of happiness. What would that tell them about life? My favorite moments are those in which I let myself be a kid again. I dare say these are probably their favorite moments too. Kids need structure, but they also need someone who can understand them. And what better to understand than to remember how to see the world through their eyes. Once there, the world is a much better place. I love it there.

Now I need to learn how to put down all those "responsibilites" just for a bit each day, to show my kids how to love and live life. I have a feeling this is much easier said than done, but something I long to relearn.

I guess the best teacher would be my kids themselves.

Now to convince myself to let go....

I was tagged (by name even... !)

Things on my To Do list...
1. Figure out how to make these dang bracelets I'm working on
2. Laundry, but I think that's a permenant list item
3. Update pictures in their frames
4. Make some returns to some stores
5. Bay the bills and update our budget

If I were suddenly a billionaire...
1. I would pay tithing (I didn't think of this first, but after reading Heather's I realized this is what I would do first, so decided it was okay to copy
2. Pay off our student loans! That might take the whole billion however
3. Put money away for the kids and our future
4. Hire a house cleaner (small fee for the relief it would provide!)
5. Definitely set up some family vacations to Europe

3 Bad Habits I have...
1. Chew the inside of my cheek when stressed
2. Stay up until all hours of the night
3. Grind my teeth at night... which I can't help... and it doesn't bother me, just Matt!

3 Places I have lived...
1. Utah (Provo, Brigham, Logan)
2. Ohio (Bay Village, West Lake)
3. Michigan (Fenton)

5 Jobs I have had...(that paid a $) (Best job is wife, mommy and friend)
1. Candy girl at Walker theatre in Perry
2. McDonalds
3. Customer Service Rep for Sprint PCS
4. Trainer Sprint PCS
5. Spokes model for Tide and Olay

6 things most people don't know about me... (I really think people know most there is to know, but I'll give it a shot)
1. I brush my teeth while in the shower... it's really much more effecient!
2. I cannot live in the color blue. I love it in other homes, just not mine.
3. I am addicted to Flavor Ice/Otter Pops. Whatever you want to call them
4. I really want to go skydiving
5. When I was younger my eyes were a silver grey color
6. I love Sherbet ice cream.

3 of my goals in the next two years...
1. Start some type of buisness
2. Have this Family Night thing down
3. Actually be consistantly working out.

I now tag...Becki and Jo

you haven't seen the last of ME

Okay, so here are the last of my "ME's" I'm going to add for awhile. They are in no particular order, but then again, they say there is always something about everything you do... so maybe there is an order I don't know about!







Without a doubt I would have to include this, because I LOVE photography. As soon as I have a free minute I'm going to learn all there is about this thing (or maybe hopefully a newer one). That, and I don't want to EVER forget those expressions on my cute little ones!









I will have to admit, I really didn't want to put this up for a long time when we first got it. I hated the frame (and yes, the glass does need to be cleaned, I know). Matt's grandma painted this, and it's the one thing he really wanted. We were lucky enough to get it, but I wanted to reframe it. Now... I wouldn't touch it. I absolutley love it!











My grandpa, "Papa", had a bell route at his house. He would take all the little kids around the house and ring all the bells, or blow on the wind chimes. It was tradition. He also had one bell he always rang for prayers before a meal. When he passed, there was nothing that would mean more than to get a bell for my family. I searched until I found the one that felt just right, and now it's part of our family!










Speaking of Papa, this is his book. I love it. I think one of the biggest reasons is because it's the as close as I have to having one of his pieces in my home. Maybe one day. That and it's filled with poetry, so I can hear his voice any time I want.










Matt really didn't want this, I really did. Guess who won! And I'm glad, because it's one of my favorite pieces.











This one I love because it's one of the first pieces of furniature I bought once married. I loved it when I found it, and I still do. There is something about making a house yours for the first time.










Okay, so I know almost everyone has one of these now, but I didn't until my birthday. Now I do!











Okay, so I just really like this candle stick. And what do you know.. good 'ol walmart.











This was made for me, and when she made it I only had 2 kids at the time. There are three on there, and I have always loved thinking about that and how some things are just meant to be!









I have an attachment to this thing. It's more than just an external hard drive. It's the only electronic that made it through our break in a while back. If I could I would take this with me everywhere I go. All of our kids pictures from day one are on that thing and we would have lost them all. Agh!




So after doing this, I realized how much I do like design/art. Because most of what I picked out quickly, had to do with this. There is a whole other layer that sometime in the future I'll dig into more. But for now, I think I'm done here! There are too many other things I want to talk about!! Have a good one.

ME.... continued

I love this door. It's going to be sad to see it go. When I find my final home, I want it to have a door like this... because it's just me.

more of ME

a little something from my past that I just can't let go of!

more of ME

A few of my favorite

I've missed you all! It's been a few days, but I just really couldn't figure out what to write about. When I don't feel good, I always have a hard time with my feelings. They become really cloudy. So I figured I'd wait the storm out.

Today while scrubbing my bathroom (okay, pick yourself up off the floor) I saw this ceramic pot and became so happy inside. I do every time I see it. I'm not sure exactly why. Maybe it's because one of my favorite people in the world gave it to me. Maybe it's because of the beautiful warm brown color (I love brown), or the simple silhouette it sets. At first, I wasn't sure where to put it. Everywhere I tried it just didn't fit right. The size was off, the color was wrong, there was nothing to compliment it. Then I found this spot on my bathroom counter and knew this was where it had to go. I felt guilty at first, putting my gift in the bathroom. I was almost embarrassed the first time she saw it there on my counter. As if I had nothing better to do with it than the bathroom. The bathroom where I would be one of the only ones who saw it. But for some reason, this is where it belonged. I 've since learned why. Every morning when I get ready for the day, it fills my heart with happiness. Every night when I get ready for bed, it fills my heart with joy. I love this little pot, and know that it will most likely always be in my bathroom where I have the chance to pass by on more than just the infrequent occasion.

This ceramic pot brought me to thinking about all those little things that bring joy into my life. I'm not talking about "moments" or "memories". I'm talking about can- buy-it-with-money things. I feel that what is in our home should be us. People should almost know who we are when they walk through the house. There is no purpose of burdening yourself down with stuff that you don't love. We all already have too much stuff. And if we buy what we love, then we will love what we have. And our walls will be a reflection of what we are inside. Obviously this doesn't mean you have to have money. Quite the opposite. If you could have an entire room from Pottery Barn, you might like it, and it would look nice. But you wouldn't love it. You didn't fall in love with it, and then have to find that perfect spot for it. You didn't have to search it out, or save up to get it. It wasn't something tucked away, that you found by chance. Just like with our friends, our emotions, our love; you only want to let the best in, and let the rest find some else to take them home!

So here's what I'm up to now. I'm gonna find those things that get me excited. Those things that create emotion every time I see them. There are so many things I do love, which I've been able to acquire through the years, but there are a select few that create emotion in me. I want to see just how many things there are. You should try it. Tell me about you, by the stuff around your house that you love. Maybe we could do this together. And don't worry. You'll know "it" when you see "it". You just have to listen. -Which may be harder than you think!

a TOMATO rain

If he could remember to say it right, you would have read "tornado rain". But he can't so you'll still read tomato. Today is the perfect rainy day (like the picture? notice the rain is pushing up over the crack? Yes, that means it's starting on it's way into my garage. I might have to do something about that). We won't mention all the tornado warnings that have been blarring from the tv all morning long. Lets just say, despite what could have been, but wasn't, it is the perfect rainy day. It's been a downpour most of the morning, the weather is warm, and as hard as the sun has tried, it can't make it past the strategic blocking the clouds have so expertly managed. And I, well I have just wanted to curl up on the couch with a good book and nothing else planned but a nap. I've come down with something, most likely just your average cold, but just can't seem to pull myself together. These are the days you wish you could just help your kids to disappear. But only for a day. I wouldn't want them gone any longer than that I don't think. Give me my day, and I'll continue to give them my every other. But to explain to an 18 month old that your throat feels like it's been so badly sunburned you are about ready to drink that aloe vera, and your nose has inhaled a whale, or something to that affect.... they don't get it. Neither does the 4 year old. Okay, maybe she gets it, but the graviational pull she has in this world is naturally more important. Bug is currently at school, but as soon as he gets home he will want some attention, no down time, no attention, no down time. I don't think he knows what he wants when he gets home. School really wears the guy out by the time he gets home. And I think I hear the grocery store calling. Or is that our stomachs from the lack of food? We can live off instant potaoes can't we? I guess we'll find out.

So I've been doing fairly good with the reading. Okay, I'll quit being so modest, I'm kicking butt right now. I'm actually ahead of the nearly 6 pages a day. Atleast a couple of days ahead. Good time to not be feeling well, because all I want to do is read. I have to brag about this now because, who knows how long I'll keep this going. I will get finished on time though. Mark my word!

Okay, well it's my down time for the day. Ase is taking her nap and Nutmeg is in her quiet time. So I have a couple of options. Eat, then nap? Eat then shower (if you could smell me this might be your vote!)? Or Eat then read? I don't know. I guess I should start with the eat and we'll see how the wind blows.

Just one more thing

So I was sent this email. A challenge as a memorial to our belated prophet Gordon B. Hinkley. To read the Book of Mormon in 97 days. That is how old our prophet was when he finally joined his wife. That's 5 pages per day. I barely made it when Hinkley challenged us to read it in a year. 97 days? So I did it. Completely lacking in confidence of myself, I did it. I decided, along with the currently over 16,000 others on this quest. It's been said this could be a "set-up" to get your information. But I figured, what is there to loose. You don't give any information out, so why not try it. What's the worst that can happen, you read the book? If this were a set up, then the jokes on them. Look at all of us who are going to be reading more than we have in a long time, while they think they are going to "get us". Bring it on! I've managed to completely de-junk and organize my house. I've managed to keep it clean for over 3 weeks straight now (with a trip in the middle of it) and if I can't do this, then none of that other stuff matters. Here is where I will find out where my priorities are. Wish me luck! No. Wait. I won't need luck. This is something I WILL do! Maybe you should too. Good night!

The only one

I don't know why I can't get this photo more clear, it really isn't supposed to be so blurry (grrr) but I just had to add in here one more time how much I love this guy. He just left for another 5 days, which I wasn't too happy about, but atleast I get to be home. I can go nearly all day without getting dressed if I want to, and the most converstaion I have to have is with the computer. Well okay, and with the kids if you count that as conversation! He is out there having to work his butt off, and still look like he's enjoying every minute of what he's doing. He has more than a 5 year olds expectations looming over him. I love him, and all he does. It was so wonderful to have him home for an entire evening. I did have to share him with the kids for part of that, but it's more than we've had in awhile. Mmmmmmm. I loved it.

Being little is only Thinking little

Today I think it hit me. She is no longer my baby.

She folds her arms by herself for prayers, and keeps them folded the entire time. She cleans up everything in sight as soon as you mention the words, "clean up". She finds an item laying around the house and then wanders around trying to find the one who it belongs to. She can now ask for help whenever she needs it. She is starting to go potty in the toilet. She laughs at herself when she thinks she did something funny. She got the dirty dishes out of the dishwasher today and set the table. She pulled me to the table asking to eat. She's just growing up.

It always suprises me when I walk by the mirror while holding her, and realize how big she really is. Other people don't see this little baby in my arms. I think I'm the only one who sees that. I called her "Ase Baby" yesterday and she was so confused. She said "baby?" wondering why I was calling her one. She has all of her baby teeth (except those 2 year molars), and will eat anything you throw at her. She loves cuddly soft things, loves baby dolls, and loves her big brother and sister. She is the happiest go lucky kid, as long as she can keep in motion. She will play with anyone who will play back, and isn't scared of anything.

Man I love that girl.

an Anything but free fall

One of my best friends, well, her husband is in the army. Right now I am so blessed as to have her living 30 minutes from my house. As much as we are both moving around, it's more than luck that we are here together at the same time, even as short as it may seem. A couple of weeks ago the kids and I went with her to watch the guys jump out of helicopters. Secretly I think I was more excited than the kids were. There is just something about me that loves to border on the dangerous, and this is something I would love to try sometime. I say that now, but if I were up there I'm sure someone would have to push because I know I couldn't jump. The choppers flew right over us, landed in the field right in front of us, loaded up the guys, flew back above us and dropped them out. The benefits of friends in the military. As you watch them fall from the sky, you alomst envy the lazy, slow drift it looks like they are caught in. How awesome would that be to fall so effortlessly from the sky, free from everything that awaits down below, lost in your own thoughts and a view you share with no one else. Then as they hit the ground in an anything but a gravity free lazy way, you realize these guys are really dropping fast. And I'm sure they weren't thinking about how wonderful it felt to be so weightless during their casual float down. As their feet pounded the grassy field below, something pounded inside me. I realized just what these guys have to do for each and every one of us. I've always had such gratitude for all these men and women do, but for some reason, to actually see my friend fully geared up ready to jump, and watching them do what they do, something changed in me. Knowing that I am one of those he is fighting for....The respect I had before is just that much richer, and is now accompanied by something of an awe. And awe for the respect they have for life. A respect that they are willing to give their life to save another. That's what it's really all about.

Rushed into Insanity

So Friday night around 7pm Matt and I bought tickets to leave for Connecticut. Our flights left at 6:15am the very next morning. This meant we had to find someplace for the older two kids to stay for the weekend, and pack for us and our youngest for this quick 3 day trip. Wow! I didn't know that could all happen so quickly. Lets just say we have some really good friends and family who we owe big time!


We flew into NYC and then drove the short hour to get to southern Connecticut. It's a whole different world up there. We thought we had some idea what it might be like (Boston-ish?) but were in for a huge shock. Little town meets New England, meets rural, meets the ocean, meets old, meets money, meets lots of roads, which then meets some of the the friendliest people. Ever. Realestate in Connecticut is insane. They said the only comparable market is San Fransisco. WOW! This isn't a good picture below (we had a hard time finding roads we could stop on to take pictures, without blocking the cars behind us) so this is all we could got. Yea, we're not too happy about this. But these homes are atleast $900,000. Atleast. They were in Fairfield, which is where many want to live, so they may be over 1 million. Yup. There's some cheap houseing for you! If we were ever to live there, you wil not see us in one of these. We will be in more of a glorified trailer way more inland, where we can affored the 1500 square foot box we would live in!



Okay, so I do have to tell you about my favorite time we had. I absolutely loved it. We met some friends in New Haven(?) area and went to a little restaraunt called Bills seafood. First let me tell you, in Connecticut they don't let the chains come in, so all the places are little ma and pa restaraunts. This is a good thing. Usually this means good food. It also means atmostphere. We had both. We pulled up to this little shack-ish place which was packed. We were lucky to find someplace to squeeze in our party of 7. We ended up right in the middle of the room. There were booths all along the outside walls, and a bar in the middle of the room. The tables were found someplace inbetween. Upon taking our seats, the live music shows up. Bills has live music every night on the weekend. Now these guys were some 70 something, up there rocking out some bluegrass. They were actually really good. How they fit in there, I don't know because I thought we took up the last of any space in there, but they fit. The best had just begun however. Once the music started, this couple in their 80s (atleast) who began dancing with eachother. There's no stage or dance floor. No. This was dancing between, around and through the tables. This is something this couple did every weekend! And it didn't take long before others started to join. I'd like to say I got out there, but no. I was too busy enjoying Ase out there. Once she caught on to what was going on, she went and found the lady sitting at the table behind us, with whom she'd been playing with all night, and pulled her up to dance. So the two of them went around the restaraunt dancing with eachother. It was so fun. The whole scene was like something out of a movie. It was crazy. No, it was wonderful! These people genuinly were happy, and loved to have you there. They actually loved having kids around. Instead of getting scowled at every time our kids didn't act like a little adult, we could have tables rolling in laughter every time Ase pulled a funny face. It was all just too much! Why can't we be more like that?

I realized, it's not the streets, or the houses that make it quaint there. It's the people. They are what make it what it is. And that's the best way to have it.

the Guilt ridden Traitor!

Matt has been out of town now for a couple of days. Nothing new. In fact, it's pretty much the regular. As long as we've been married he has always had a job that's required a lot of travel. Bug was born into it, Nutmeg was born into it, and now Ase has known nothing but this. However, without fail, everynight they will ask for their dad to tuck them in. Especially Nutmeg, who is a full blown daddy's girl. Then something very sad happened. The last two days, not once did they ask for Dad, or when he was coming home. They didn't ask for him to tuck them in, or to call him on the phone. They didn't ask. This would be the first time in the last 5 years no one has called out his name. Then last night as I tucked Nutmeg into bed, she gave me a big hug and said, "Mommy, your my favorite and I love you more than anyone". I should have been jumping up and down. I should have been elated with this news, if you remember how hard I've been working at building our relationship. But I couldn't. I just felt horrible. Like I took something away from Matt. They had something very special, and I feel I walked in, took it away, while Matt was blind folded with his hands tied behind his back. I don't think Ill mention any of this to him, and he'll never have to know it happened. This is between you and me. I will say though, it does feel good to actually hear the words "I love you".

Have I mentioned how much I love this guy. Right now he is juggling so much. Family, Church, School, Traveling, An old job that won't go away, A new job to figure out, Job searching, and preparing for a move.... to name a few. Amongst all of this he is worried about me. He want's to do what he can to make me happy. Me and the kids. I always knew he'd take care of me, but I had no idea. With all of the decisions he has to make right now, the first thing he thinks about is what would make me the happiest. If I told him I wanted to move to New Mexico (he hates the dry HOT climates) he would do it. I know he would. I think that's what scares me most. Without meaning it, or wanting it, I seem to be holding a lot of power. Ahhhg! But I guess, when you think about it, there is no better power to have. It's embedded in love. It's the same type of power I so willingly hand over to him when I let him make these decisions. I trust him so fully to make the right decision, I don't worry about the choice that he makes. If I do, I can say something, anything, and he'll do everything he can to change course. He's not the best at doing the little things, like bringing flowers home for no reason, or makeing "romantic" gestures (although he will try :P) but he does the big things. He takes care of me, and always will. Love ya babe.

Tag, I think I'm it.

I have been tagged requesting for 7 random facts about me:

1- I hate speaking in public, or with public... which makes it really hard since I'm also a really "wanna be" social person.

2- I really really dislike feet. It's getting a little better now that I've had baby feet to kiss for a while, but still. Yuck!

3- I am a perfectionist. So anything I do well, I can't see it, but only where I need to improve it. This is something I am trying to overcome.

4- I don't like milk chocolate. Blah.

5- I once dated this very good looking actor. Too bad we didn't have the same religous views. Well actually I'm glad, because otherwise I wouldn't have the family that I do now. However, we would have a huge house in hollywood somewhere!

6- I always said I would NEVER drive a minivan. Guess what I drive now!

7 -I hate to follow the crowd. If I didn't like something before it was the "it" thing, I just can't bring myself to like it. But if I think I found it before the crowd, then I still like it even when it is the "it" thing.

I'm Dreaming...

I want to remind you that this is Georgia. "Hot-lanta" as we're called. We don't get snow. We don't do snow. Georgia does not own a single snow plow. So what happenes when we recieve an inch and a half of snow on a school night? We drag the kids out at 8:00pm to go play in it. That's the logical thing to do right? My friend and I thought we were the only ones crazy enough to do this, but as we head outside we notice all the kids on the entire street are out playing. In fact, a couple of houses up they already have a 5 foot tall snowman built. Since we aren't quite geared up for snow (fabric mittens don't hold out the wet) and the kids are past tired, we head in half an hour later in tears. Fingers are TOO cold! So a round of hot chocolate does the trick and we are all off to bed. It snowed again two days later, with atleast 2 inches this time. Again, this is Georgia, so church was cancelled and we all stayed home to keep warm. You've got to love it!

Do we have to have Christmas NOW??

Funny thing how christmas can create such a roller coaster for your emotions. An hour ago I was happily waiting for one more week to pass until we head out to be with all our family. Now.... well. I'm not so ready. Here a few reasons I'm thrown off at the moment.

All picture attempts for the Christmas card are really not working out. So I am debating not sending anything out really. There's a big 'ol bahumbug. I can't just let it go and do a regular card this year can I? NO. Note the example above. That would be Ase actuall sitting, but do you think she'll look at the camera unless you are doing a full dance and song? Which I would like to add is impossible when trying to take the picture too. Nutmeg IS "looking at the camera". This would be her. She likes to pose. We work with what we can! Then there's Bug back there. That painful smile is his "camera smile". Has it every time. Usually he atleast looks at the camera for you. No such luck here. And you'd think there was something over there to look at. Again, no. I guess it's just where I wasn't!

Hubbs is going to have to fly us out there, leave for Chicago for 4-5 days, then come back there. He may have to do that twice. Yup. That creates happy feelings. His company is taking such advantage of him, and there is absolutley nothing he can do about it except quit. Trust me, we're working on that.

The other sore spot is again not going to get anything for Christmas from Hubbs. I understand how buys he is, really. And I know it's not about the present. I don't really care what he does, as long as it involves some serious thought. Not a last minute trip to Walmart Christmas eve in desperation. Two years ago he filled my stocking with gum (yes, the kind at the checkout counter) and breath mints. It's a good think I don't assume too much from these gifts, because that really could have created a good fight! Last year I filled my own. This year, I don't want to. So I'll go empty. Actually I bought myself a watch that I really need, since the kids will think that's odd if there's nothing. So there you go. I grew up with a dad that was very practical and didn't like to just spend a lot of money. But when it came time to my mom, he really went for it. I don't remeber the things he got her, I just remember thinking how much it showed that he loved her. It was not how he usually spent, but for this special occassion, he always did. That and her birthday. So I guess I have this childhood memory/feeling in which I would like to recreat, but using myself and Hubb. It's not working so far. If only I could play him the tape in my head, maybe he'd get it.

I was okay with each of these individually, but now that there's three, I don't know anymore. I just want to go sit on the couch and do nothing until one of them disappears. I don't think it will work!

Oh, and in decluttering. The first step is working with M in getting our relationship better and not having all the power struggles and negative emotions we do. I have read up and am now armed for battle! This is going to be my first step and something which is already underway. So far it is better. Once I get back from our trip on start on another area. This time it will actually be a room!

Home

So I've been thinking lately. There are so many things I want to do, or achieve. None of these things are being done effectivley, or well. Alteast from what I'm envisioning to what I'm actually seeing. They are worlds apart. I'm sure most of us have this same problem with things. But it doesn't have to be this way. I don't think. It seems that I am always tired. There doesn't have to be a reason or explanation. I'm just tired. And I'm tired of being tired. I started really thinking, and reading. I want to work on things that aren't making me happy, and work on things that will. I can't be a good wife, mother, or self unless I can do some of these things. Spiritually I'm feeling a littel deprived. I don't remmber the last actual meeting I went to and was able to sit and listen. Or more importantly, feel. There is no such thing with three young kids, and then having the blessing to teach 5 other kids during the adult meetings. No excuse though, I should be making up for this on my own at home, with personal and family study. Well, that brings me to the second problem.

My home. Right now though, I think it's actually more of a house. A place where we are keeping our belongings. I can't have the spirit in my home, when the spirit can't find any of us through all the clutter. I have always believed your home is a reflection of who you are, just on the walls. I'm not talking about what type of house you have, because money and location have a lot to do with that. But you can do whatever you want with the inside. Colored walls or white? Lots of decor or simple? Your style. Clutter, or clean. All of this reflects whats going on internally. You can't be clutter free in your head if you are living in a cluttered house. It's impossible. I have found that if you look around your house, you can easily spot your problem areas in those rooms of your head. The master bedroom is a good example. How is your bedroom? Clean? I dare say mine hardly ever is. And it doesn't matter how clean the rest of my house is, the bedroom is what really makes me feel good (inside), and is the last one to get cleaned. It's really simple to get the house you want. Size has nothing to do with it. Just fit in what you have. Same thing goes physically and mentally. If we can't do it, don't try or it could be pretty damaging. Just look at how obesse everyone is getting. Our houses are bigger, our clutter is bigger, our diets are bigger, our waists are bigger. And all this while the family size is quite a bit smaller. Sad really. We all need to just cut back and find the space we want. So that's what I'm going to work on. In the process I'm sure I'm going to be cleaning out a lot of mental clutter at the same time. I am going to take back control of my house, and in doing so, take back control of me.

What are the things I love to do, and make me happy? What are my passions?

I love interior design. LOVE IT. So why the heck am I living in a house where I can't even look at doing that because I'm way to busy back cleaning to have time to paint a wall.

I love photography. Am I able to focus on it? No. I don't have the time... but only because of poor time managment. And what do I do with all the photos I take. Nothing. I have so much scrapbook stuff I don't know where to start. There is too much. Hmmm. I think I talked about that before. If I enjoy doing it, I need to scrapbook it for the sake of the photos, and not the sake of scrapbooking. If not, I need to quite wasteing all that space in our home, which we could easily use for something else.

I love my family. I need to take a daily break and make sure to play with my kids for even a small amount of time. I want to see them laugh nearly every day. I don't want them to remember me as the grouchy mom who never plays, which is who I'm quickly becoming. I've got way to much weighing me down. Which is why I'm so excited to start decluttering (in every form of the word) and make it so I'm not carrying around all this extra.

I love my husband. I can't be the wife he needs, or I want, if I am not fully available. It seems the hall to the room where I keep our time has gotten a little bogged down with all the stuff spilling over from all the other rooms. Like laundry, money, kids, disagreements, school... everything. Many of which there is room for, if I can get rid of all the unecessary junk which would include, a literaly messy house, bills always piled up, no groceries, disagreements in parenting styles, personal spiritaul progress, laziness, tv watching instead of other stuff. Of course I could keep going, but that's good. The more I can work on, the more stuff I can clear out of the way to make room for the things that have to be there for that time. Just like we have that old couch that we have to keep in the living room, school has to be there right now, and we HAVE to have room for it. That's all there is to it. If we don't want it there, we have to be willing to completely let go of it. In this case, NO WAY!

So there you have my ramblings for right now. What can I say. I feel hopefully optimistic. Something I always used to be, but has faded more and more as the years have gone. Now.... where do I start. I can't do it all at once. You know how it is when you "clean house". It gets worse before it gets better. I don't think it would be a good idea to do that in the house or in my head! Focusing is going to be my biggest challenge. I'm too impatient, and in this, I will have to be. I'll let you know where I start. Maybe you could do it with me. You never know. We might discover more than just greatness along the way!

Dad's arms

Today I wanted to go driving. No where in particular, just to drive. Okay. Well I did have something in mind, but not somplace. I wanted to go where there was almost nothing but nature. The fall trees. The crisp fall air. And of course my kids have to fit into the dream too, if I want it to be at all tangible. So I loaded up the kids, talked my hubby into taking a half day at work (I know... but don't stop breathing!) and I just took off. When my husband asked where we were going I told him I didn't know, I just wanted to drive. He looked at me like he was in disbelief, then the horrible realization came to him that he was possibly in for a lot more than he bargained. We headed up north, into the bottom of the Appliation trail. It was beautiful. We just drove. We drove for about and hour and a half. Then it was time to let the kids run before we drove home. We found a cute little stream with a bridge and an open grassy field for the kids. They couldn't have been happier, and the stream made them completely forget about the cold. They would have stayed all day.

The leaves were all changing, some trees already bare. The air was a little cripser then I was prepared for, but was wonderful none the less. In a weird way, the cold air and fallen leaves transitioned me into this next season. It's been warm for way too long, and there aren't enough leaves changing around my home yet. So this helped me along. I now feel I am ready for the Holidays to start. For that feeling to take over the air, causing us all to feel whatever it is that we feel this time of year.

On the drive back home, my husband drove this time, which was perfect. I was this time able to just sit and watch the scenery unfold in front of me. I felt like I could cry. I don't know if it was because of how beautiful it all was or if it was because this type of thing reminds me of my dad.

Every time I am out enjoying the scenery I feel some connection to my dad. He loved to look at the scenery. I can't tell you how many times he would tell us to just look out the window on our family road trips. He didn't think we should need any more entertainment than that. And I LOVED to go four-wheeling in my dad's Landcruiser. Top off, sun beating down, tires splashing through the rivers, making our own roads, my mom terrified he's too close to the cliffs, and not getting back until dusk. I love it. I have always wanted to live someplace where I can carry this on with my kids. I don't think I'd be as daring as my dad is in his vehicle, but I could still provide some good fun, atleast I'd like to imagine.

So back to my drive. I began to wonder. Maybe, just maybe I needed this drive because I needed my dad. Not really needed my dad, as a little girl needs her dad, but I needed to feel my dad there. We had a rough couple of nights with some big decisions, and I was feeling unsettled at the time. I didn't feel comfortable with things that day, and when you think of your dad, isn't it just one of the most comfortable feelings? You just think back to being that little girl, with her dads arms wrapped around her in a hug, where nothing can hurt you, and he can save you from anything. Well maybe, just maybe, at that point... I needed that comfort. But I wasn't that little girl anymore, and somehow deep inside I knew that. So I did what I could. I took a drive. It never felt so much like home.

I came home feeling like I had just been home.