Do we have to have Christmas NOW??

Funny thing how christmas can create such a roller coaster for your emotions. An hour ago I was happily waiting for one more week to pass until we head out to be with all our family. Now.... well. I'm not so ready. Here a few reasons I'm thrown off at the moment.

All picture attempts for the Christmas card are really not working out. So I am debating not sending anything out really. There's a big 'ol bahumbug. I can't just let it go and do a regular card this year can I? NO. Note the example above. That would be Ase actuall sitting, but do you think she'll look at the camera unless you are doing a full dance and song? Which I would like to add is impossible when trying to take the picture too. Nutmeg IS "looking at the camera". This would be her. She likes to pose. We work with what we can! Then there's Bug back there. That painful smile is his "camera smile". Has it every time. Usually he atleast looks at the camera for you. No such luck here. And you'd think there was something over there to look at. Again, no. I guess it's just where I wasn't!

Hubbs is going to have to fly us out there, leave for Chicago for 4-5 days, then come back there. He may have to do that twice. Yup. That creates happy feelings. His company is taking such advantage of him, and there is absolutley nothing he can do about it except quit. Trust me, we're working on that.

The other sore spot is again not going to get anything for Christmas from Hubbs. I understand how buys he is, really. And I know it's not about the present. I don't really care what he does, as long as it involves some serious thought. Not a last minute trip to Walmart Christmas eve in desperation. Two years ago he filled my stocking with gum (yes, the kind at the checkout counter) and breath mints. It's a good think I don't assume too much from these gifts, because that really could have created a good fight! Last year I filled my own. This year, I don't want to. So I'll go empty. Actually I bought myself a watch that I really need, since the kids will think that's odd if there's nothing. So there you go. I grew up with a dad that was very practical and didn't like to just spend a lot of money. But when it came time to my mom, he really went for it. I don't remeber the things he got her, I just remember thinking how much it showed that he loved her. It was not how he usually spent, but for this special occassion, he always did. That and her birthday. So I guess I have this childhood memory/feeling in which I would like to recreat, but using myself and Hubb. It's not working so far. If only I could play him the tape in my head, maybe he'd get it.

I was okay with each of these individually, but now that there's three, I don't know anymore. I just want to go sit on the couch and do nothing until one of them disappears. I don't think it will work!

Oh, and in decluttering. The first step is working with M in getting our relationship better and not having all the power struggles and negative emotions we do. I have read up and am now armed for battle! This is going to be my first step and something which is already underway. So far it is better. Once I get back from our trip on start on another area. This time it will actually be a room!

Home

So I've been thinking lately. There are so many things I want to do, or achieve. None of these things are being done effectivley, or well. Alteast from what I'm envisioning to what I'm actually seeing. They are worlds apart. I'm sure most of us have this same problem with things. But it doesn't have to be this way. I don't think. It seems that I am always tired. There doesn't have to be a reason or explanation. I'm just tired. And I'm tired of being tired. I started really thinking, and reading. I want to work on things that aren't making me happy, and work on things that will. I can't be a good wife, mother, or self unless I can do some of these things. Spiritually I'm feeling a littel deprived. I don't remmber the last actual meeting I went to and was able to sit and listen. Or more importantly, feel. There is no such thing with three young kids, and then having the blessing to teach 5 other kids during the adult meetings. No excuse though, I should be making up for this on my own at home, with personal and family study. Well, that brings me to the second problem.

My home. Right now though, I think it's actually more of a house. A place where we are keeping our belongings. I can't have the spirit in my home, when the spirit can't find any of us through all the clutter. I have always believed your home is a reflection of who you are, just on the walls. I'm not talking about what type of house you have, because money and location have a lot to do with that. But you can do whatever you want with the inside. Colored walls or white? Lots of decor or simple? Your style. Clutter, or clean. All of this reflects whats going on internally. You can't be clutter free in your head if you are living in a cluttered house. It's impossible. I have found that if you look around your house, you can easily spot your problem areas in those rooms of your head. The master bedroom is a good example. How is your bedroom? Clean? I dare say mine hardly ever is. And it doesn't matter how clean the rest of my house is, the bedroom is what really makes me feel good (inside), and is the last one to get cleaned. It's really simple to get the house you want. Size has nothing to do with it. Just fit in what you have. Same thing goes physically and mentally. If we can't do it, don't try or it could be pretty damaging. Just look at how obesse everyone is getting. Our houses are bigger, our clutter is bigger, our diets are bigger, our waists are bigger. And all this while the family size is quite a bit smaller. Sad really. We all need to just cut back and find the space we want. So that's what I'm going to work on. In the process I'm sure I'm going to be cleaning out a lot of mental clutter at the same time. I am going to take back control of my house, and in doing so, take back control of me.

What are the things I love to do, and make me happy? What are my passions?

I love interior design. LOVE IT. So why the heck am I living in a house where I can't even look at doing that because I'm way to busy back cleaning to have time to paint a wall.

I love photography. Am I able to focus on it? No. I don't have the time... but only because of poor time managment. And what do I do with all the photos I take. Nothing. I have so much scrapbook stuff I don't know where to start. There is too much. Hmmm. I think I talked about that before. If I enjoy doing it, I need to scrapbook it for the sake of the photos, and not the sake of scrapbooking. If not, I need to quite wasteing all that space in our home, which we could easily use for something else.

I love my family. I need to take a daily break and make sure to play with my kids for even a small amount of time. I want to see them laugh nearly every day. I don't want them to remember me as the grouchy mom who never plays, which is who I'm quickly becoming. I've got way to much weighing me down. Which is why I'm so excited to start decluttering (in every form of the word) and make it so I'm not carrying around all this extra.

I love my husband. I can't be the wife he needs, or I want, if I am not fully available. It seems the hall to the room where I keep our time has gotten a little bogged down with all the stuff spilling over from all the other rooms. Like laundry, money, kids, disagreements, school... everything. Many of which there is room for, if I can get rid of all the unecessary junk which would include, a literaly messy house, bills always piled up, no groceries, disagreements in parenting styles, personal spiritaul progress, laziness, tv watching instead of other stuff. Of course I could keep going, but that's good. The more I can work on, the more stuff I can clear out of the way to make room for the things that have to be there for that time. Just like we have that old couch that we have to keep in the living room, school has to be there right now, and we HAVE to have room for it. That's all there is to it. If we don't want it there, we have to be willing to completely let go of it. In this case, NO WAY!

So there you have my ramblings for right now. What can I say. I feel hopefully optimistic. Something I always used to be, but has faded more and more as the years have gone. Now.... where do I start. I can't do it all at once. You know how it is when you "clean house". It gets worse before it gets better. I don't think it would be a good idea to do that in the house or in my head! Focusing is going to be my biggest challenge. I'm too impatient, and in this, I will have to be. I'll let you know where I start. Maybe you could do it with me. You never know. We might discover more than just greatness along the way!